I spent much of 2017 fighting. Fighting my situation, my circumstances, the world around me.
It wasn't what I planned. I just knew what would make me happy - I'd spent so much time picturing it and working toward it - and nothing had gone as I wanted. Just a few weeks ago, I left my cousin's wedding reception because I couldn't control my gasping and tears. A day filled with, "How's your job?" "Are you seeing anyone?" "How do you like Indy?" left me overcome by emotions. Paired with being around loved ones for the first time in months (in some cases, years!) and feeling extra doses of homesickness, I entered desolation. I wanted to be working at a small, liberal arts university. I wanted to be close to home. I wanted to be working with leadership programs, service initiatives, student government, and orientation. I wanted to be living among the cornfields. And I wanted to be well on my way to building a life outside of work with a partner at my side. Instead, I'm working at a large research institution. I'm four hours from home (I know, it could be MUCH worse). I'm working in programming (if I never planned another event in my life, there would be no love lost). I live among tall buildings and traffic. And I'm the most single I've been in ten years (yep, singleness has levels). Many would say at 23, I never should have expected to have all those things I wanted. Those who know me realize I have some work to do in the patience department. It wasn't what I planned, it wasn't what I wanted. And I fought every step of it. Every good thing - however big or small - I fought. It was easier to cast blame at everything around me than to admit to the good parts. I didn't love my job because I'd "been cheated:" there was so much "nonsense" I had to "deal with," so many other people causing "issues" for me, so many changes leaving me with things "I didn't sign up for." I ended up in the wrong geographical location at the wrong type of college in the wrong functional area because the job search was so "cruel" to me. These were my perceptions. These were the negative thoughts keeping me down. However, the reality is - I am exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing, surrounded by exactly who should be at my side. There were several small things I was coming to love. I just didn't want to accept that I was actually becoming content with a life so far from what I had pictured. These small things hit me like a landslide during my first week back to work after I was away for that wedding I left in tears. I had the best week on the job that I've had in six months. I felt fierce motivation; a quality that had always defined me as a person and as a professional, but had been missing for so long now. I laughed and smiled so much. I swelled with pride, as my students debriefed their semester and we reflected on how far they've come. I swelled with pride as I debriefed my semester and reflected on how far I've come. At work, I've been presented with so many challenges that have truly been opportunities in disguise. I've rarely been one to back down from a challenge - it just took a little longer than usual this time to start climbing those mountains. But with every issue, setback, and disappointment I've faced, I've become better. I've had to rethink, become more strategic, consider how to better motivate others, to lead better, and to stay focused on my purpose. I've learned, and I love learning. Truth be told, I'd be bored without these challenges. I'd be complacent. I'd fail to grow. And that just makes me feel icky. In my personal life, I've been just as challenged. I moved to a city with 864,711 people, with a population of people I knew being less than the number of fingers on a hand. While work helped me meet people, I also knew I needed friends outside of work. As a shy and introverted person, I also knew this would be tough. Yet, I've started to build some really great friendships outside of work. I've had to put myself out there, and it's proved more rewarding than I could have imagined. It's these friends that make Indy feel a little more like home, even when I'm feeling lonely. I'm also developing a strong appreciation for the control I have over my relationships, where the only people in my life are the ones who make it better. Instead of blaming everyone and everything for my unhappiness, I'm taking ownership of my attitude and creating my own happiness. I'm reminding myself to be grateful, because I know I've been granted so many opportunities and privileges that are not afforded to others. I'm developing more self-love, guided by the self-reflection that I am resilient, capable, and compassionate. Overall, 2017 has been the worst and the best all at the same time. But, if there's one thing I've learned from this year, it's been to make the most of where I'm at, to turn the bad things into good things, and to always - ALWAYS - stay focused on my purpose.
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Over the past five years, this blog has seen many iterations: the site of personal reflections, advertising class assignments, higher ed musings, and more. In June, I promised to shift the focus to my journey as a new Student Affairs Professional.
However, it's taken over six months to finally put together something worth posting. That's not to say there haven't been attempts; my drafts folder is certainly filled with partially written prose. There have been moments of elation that sent my fingers flying across the keyboard, moments of frustration and outrage that made me remind myself to be careful what I post to the Internet, and moments of such sadness that words wouldn't come. So, after six months of a "new life" and as 2017 comes to an end, I guess it's only appropriate to share it all: the highs and the lows, the roller coaster I've ridden for 365 days. The beginning of January found me looking forward to finishing grad school and securing a job in student affairs. The discouragement of the search started almost immediately, as I struggled to find jobs that matched what I wanted to do. Throughout 60 different cover letters and countless interviews, I felt beaten up and broken down. Rejection after rejection, paired with people in my personal life telling me I wasn't good enough, brought my self-esteem to an all-time low. On a class trip in May, I sat in a residence hall room in Atlanta ugly-crying, snot bubbles and all. I was convinced I wouldn't get a job, had made a mistake with career choices, and had ruined my chances of ever having a career I would love. Less than a week later, the job offer came for a position that had piqued my interest more and more at each step of the application process. It couldn't be any more different than what I had thought I had wanted, but it was the only one that had me leaving my on-campus interview in true, genuine smiles. Not only did the job seem promising, but its location placed me in the same place as the boyfriend, the only guy who I've ever considered when making big-time life decisions, the only guy I ever thought would be the "last" guy. Just under two weeks before I moved to Indy to start the gig, my world was rocked when I was kicked to the curb. I had no idea how to cope with that final strand of rejection and went days without eating, spilling tears after tears. The worst part of it all? I still ended up living with the guy for the first month I was working in Indy (go ahead, have your laughs - everyone else has). I was beyond scared. I was moving to a brand new city, where the only person I knew was the person who basically told me they no longer wanted to know me. I was stepping so far out of my comfort zone in a big city, in a job I wasn't sure I could do, at a large university in an even larger university system. I had always been more of the "big fish in a little sea," and appreciated the comfort and lack of complexity afforded by such situations. I started the gig with so many personal distractions that left me incapable of fully appreciating what otherwise would have excited and enthused me. I was thrown in head first, and quickly came to feel like I was over my head. The learning curve was the biggest I've yet faced. Rather than hitting the ground running, I felt like someone had dropped me onto a treadmill going at 10mph; I felt like I had face planted, tried to get up, tripped, and gotten thrown from the treadmill. But pretty soon, work became so overwhelming that I lost the time to think about anything outside of it. Which, of course became its own problem. In those first few months in my position, tears flowed pretty freely. I wish I could say they were confined to my office, but my supportive colleagues would know that's not the truth. Thank you, God, for these support systems that got me through those first few months. Students arrived as the fall semester began, and things finally started looking up. I was reignited with my purpose for my career, and I finally started "coming into my own." Even in just these few short months, the students have already left a long-lasting impact on my life. I'm supposed to be advising them and spurring their development, but I know they've already impacted me more than I could ever hope to impact them. Work still has plenty of challenges, with curveballs constantly being thrown my way, but I'm learning to appreciate the good, to not sweat the bad, and to "bloom where I was planted" (thanks, Sam). As I settled in at work, I knew I needed to do some work in my personal life. While my colleagues are great, I needed a life separate from them. And while I've been blessed with incredible friends from former phases of my life, I knew I also needed to start making progress on building a new life in my new city. Making friends as an "adult" is hard; the time, effort, and courage needed is so much more than when I was a student. Being shy and introverted and enjoying my personal down time doesn't make it any easier either. But, I've continued to put myself out there. Less than a month in the city, I attended an event of people with common interests. Walking into a room of 200+ strangers was so far out of my comfort zone, but I walked out with several new friends. I also happened to walk out with two dates, which resulted in me realizing I was soooo not ready for that sort of thing at that time. I joined a volleyball league, and made some really great friends that left me looking forward to every Tuesday night. My new friends introduced me to their friends, and I've seen my relationships expand further and further throughout the city. Six months of living here, and I can honestly say I've formed relationships that make the "big" city feel just a little bit smaller. It's the last of all this of which I'm most proud when thinking about 2017. I felt down in the dumps for most of the year, even though there was plenty to celebrate: graduating with my Master's, finishing school with a lifetime 4.0 GPA, securing a job, becoming fully financially independent, having a kick ass first semester of work, and more. But building these friendships has been my favorite part of 2017. With so many rejections, I could have given up and spent all my time sitting at home or just diving into my work. But I've continued to put effort into building the personal life I want - something that does not come easily to me. I'm now surrounded by people that bring positivity to my life. And I've got friends who make this new city feel like a new home. So, 2017, thank you for all the trials and tribulations, the big and small wins, the new people, and the continued quest for building a life I love. You might have been a rough one, but I'm glad we're ending on a good note. |
Kristin KreherMy happiness comes from meaningful interactions, the outdoors, thrift shops, and saying "thank you." Archives
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